Friday, February 9, 2007

First Time for Everything

Most times I have a pretty good idea of what I am doing with respect to very large scopes and very small scopes. I've usually considered the costs and benefits, local effects and long term ramifications. As far back as I can remember whenever I left this road something happened that was unpleasant in one way or another. With women it was dispair, jobs it was money, society it was outcast.

Of course I made some thought-out decisions that hadn't worked out, but that meant I had to tweak my model. Give more consideration to this, reprioritize that, recognize that pattern.. you'll see that one again. And to date my models are pretty well honed. Since all the work has gone into the policy less work has to go into the decisions. And so things have gone.

And then today. Today I lost it. A bit. But it seems to have been a good thing. I go to the Academy of Learning and as with most places I tend to keep to myself. There are no classes or group homework so it is easy to keep to yourself. I'm finding that a relationship can be built entirely on nods, smiles and 'Hey's.

As I am nearing the end of a major project and I am trying to lunge toward the finish. Only it isn't coming out so much as a lunge. It is more of a scamper up a mud slide against gale force head winds. It's hard. But it's retardedly hard. Unnecessarily hard. Wasting my time hard. Previously I took the conversation into private before I started critiquing the courses but this time I didn't have the wherewithall. I made a few articulate points and a few less articulate. Eventually I got the information and latittued I needed to lunge to the finish without going crazy.

Turns out that I did something else. I seem to have articulated some of the frustrations others were having too. I got a distinct feeling of acknowledgement and gratitude from the other students for the rest of the day.

So the amazing thing here is that had I put any thought into what I was about to do I would never have done it. And yet it seemed to work out well. I'm not going to try to make a habbit out of thoughtlessness but I am going to keep this in the back of my head if something similar happens again. A few more times and I may try to work it into my considerations.

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